Scientifically Accurate Luke Warby

#EDIT: I am a changed man.

I just came out of Bribie Cinemas after seeing a film about Australian Pirates and I had a moment of clarity as I walked home along the beach with Sandy.

"I feel like I've been mistaken" I wistfully pondered to myself, the sound of her bogan drawl drilling into my head. "What if Warby wasn't actually a potato but instead resembled more of a French Fry? Could this be the answer I have been seeking all along?"

With this new lease on life, I pushed Sandy to the ground and ran like a man possessed. I only had one purpose; I had to change the model.

After running for what seemed like literally minutes, I burst into my humble mansion, stumbling slightly as I tripped over my new tortoise. Smashing through the door to my art studio, I picked up my pen tablet and began working feverishly like Light Yagami from Death Note.

"Is this right? YES! OF COURSE IT IS" I cackled maniacally to myself. "Would he wear a Yankees cap like a douche? OF COURSE HE WOULD! Gotta hide that receding hairline somehow. IT ALL MAKES SENSE NOW!"

Time lost all meaning to me. Had I been here for hours? Days even? As my weary form lurched away from my computer, my bloodshot eyes reached the clock. "Oh shit, it's only been four minutes and seventeen seconds."

The model has been fixed but you can keep the potato. I know how much you love it.

---

"I am the smartest." Warby said to himself whilst gazing out of the tiny window in his mother's basement, the sunlight hurting his little piggy eyes. "Never before has there been such a prime intellectual genius as myself. My extreme web development skills will allow me to finally be recognised by the hotties that I rightfully deserve."

Warby liked to believe these personal reinforcements as his entire life had been an endless cycle of rejection by women starting with his own mother. Having never been the centre of attention and having finally found a group of fellow degenerates, Luke felt a feeling he'd never felt before swelling in his bowels. Was it pride or just bad gas from the tendies he'd just consumed? We may never know. What we do know is that Luke will likely die a virgin unless he gets his sausage fingers on some roofies.

He licked the Dorito powder off his fingers as he heaved his gigantic frame out of his "Leet Gamer Extreme" gaming chair, crumbs and detritus from last night's microwave dinner falling to the floor like a waterfall of disappointment. "My 3D printing piracy site will be my ultimate expression of disregard for 3D model licensing, as I am clearly the people's champion and this is my destiny. It will put me on the map and it will never be taken down. It is a Hydra. Nothing at all will stop me and I shall never be identified; such is my 300 point IQ." he proudly announced to the empty room with the sounds of Boku No Pico blaring as his manifesto anthem.

Unfortunately for Warby-poo, he'd missed one very crucial detail; the fucking idiot forgot to use a non-personal Google Drive to share his pirated 3D models. Absolute genius.

So here's to you, Warby, you disgusting waste of protein. May your girth never dwindle and your beard never reach the part of your face it's meant to be on.