Solid Ultra Secure Vault (SUS Vault)

Welcome to the future of high security vaults:

Are you looking for the ultimate in security for your most sensitive items? We all know that a vault made of mere plastic can easily be defeated with a hammer, which is why the Solid Ultra Secure Vault (SUS Vault) takes a different approach to security—psychological warfare. This revolutionary design takes SUS Vault Technology™ to the next level by being completely sealed upon completion of the print—ensuring your secrets stay secret forever*.

 

*forever not guaranteed ¯\_ (ツ)_/¯

 

How it works:

    •    At layer 376, the print automagically pauses, allowing you to place your most precious treasures—keys, love notes, or even a single M&M—into the vault. An Admonishment Coin™ has been included in the print profile in the unlikely event that you have nothing secret to secure.

    •    After filling the 20 cubic inch interior (the perfect size for a roll of cash) with your treasures you can resume the print, thus sealing your valuables inside with no hinges, doors, or any possible point of entry. This design is flawless and can only be accomplished through the magic of FDM printing.

    •    After minutes of intense research on how to prevent possible unauthorized incursions the patented Language of Confusion™ was added to the outside of each wall of the vault, directing degenerates to open the vault from the “other side”. Market research has shown that committed plunderers are kept busy for hours attempting to find the side of the vault that opens.

 

Choose your level of commitment:

    •    Thin Wall Version: Perfect for those who want security with options. Easily break open the walls when curiosity wins out.

    •    Thick Wall Version: For those who take their secrets seriously. Breaking into this bad boy requires tools, effort, Band-Aids, and possibly therapy.

    •    The DIY Version: If you have more filament than money simply change the 'Sparse infill density' setting to 100%. This will make a monstrosity of a vault that will deter even the fiercest of foes. I do not recommend the DIY version, and have therefore not included a print profile for what can only be described as a poor life choice.

 

You may be wondering what’s inside my vault… I’ll never say, and you’ll never know. Is it a priceless heirloom? A profound mystery? Or perhaps the very same Admonishment Coin™ that comes with this print profile? The only certainty is that whatever it is, it’s now impossibly secure.

 

Warning: Manufacturer not responsible for post-print regret, the frustration of unsolvable puzzles, or the existential dread of secrets lost forever.

 

Boost MeEvery boost of this model will be donated to a local charity focused on the development of additional text to be used in future Boost text request boxes.

 

Thank you for your interest in the Solid Ultra Secure Vault (SUS Vault). May your secrets always remain secure.